Sunday, September 14, 2008

When it rains...

First, may I just point out that it's been raining here since Friday, and it's not supposed to stop until Tuesday, and that we are tired of the rain, please?

Things here are incredibly complicated at the moment. I have no clue what I'm doing, I think. Teh Ex is being incredibly difficult and rather sweet by turns, and I couldn't figure it out for the longest time, until I finally caught on that he still thinks about me, ahem, That Way, and that since he can't have at me, That Way, he's taking his frustrations out verbally. Weird. I mean, now that I know, it makes it easier to understand, but not easier to deal with. We are trying to be friends, but working out the parameters of friendship with your ex after a divorce is just tough. People go from being friends to spouses almost too easily, but going back in the opposite direction takes finesse. We're still working on that part.

Then, The New Guy has made admission that he is, in fact, pretty much crazy about me, which is lovely and flattering and great, but I'm not sure how to explain to him that while I like him quite a bit, I'm not quite *there* yet. I'm slower, more cautious. I have to be. And I need to find a tactful way to explain this to him, without somehow invalidating the feelings he's shared. I'm not saying that I might not end up in the same place as him; I'm just feeling a little insecure about going there right now.

So, I have this bizarre balancing act going on, and trying to maintain balance without tumbling over the precipice on either side is way taxing. Especially when I'm more concerned with making sure that the kids come through this entire thing relatively unscathed, or as unscathed as it is possible to be when Mommy and Daddy don't love each other any more and decide to rip your entire world into pieces and patch them back together in a way that's not entirely pleasing to anyone involved.

I must say, I like being a single parent. I like the autonomy. I like the unquestioned authority. Nobody to haggle with over the Rules, how to do things, etc. It's all My Way, all the way. But the constant, 24/7 demands on my time are a real drain. I would love to have someone around to hand the kids off to for an hour, just an hour, so I could go sit in a quiet corner and just think. Or read. Or be. Or something. Something quiet. And it's not like I'm missing something I had so great, because Teh Ex was rarely home, and when he was, I still wasn't getting much of a break. I just wish I had help, sometimes. The kids are very small still, and very labor-intensive. I need some Me-Time, time to recharge or relax or whatever it is people do when they get a break from their children.


Anonymous said...

You're right. I've been having a little trouble handling the transition from spouse to friend. Although we never really had the chance to live together and explore our relationship outside of the boundaries of children, we did share a lot. I won't ever regret it, and not just because of the kids. I will miss your sarcasm, your quick wit, your face in the morning (when you weren't yelling at me. It was never a simple situation we had!)... but I also think we grew in very different directions, and we changed each other, likely in ways we cannot understand right now. After reading your last post, I can at least give you this- I will try not be difficult or confusing. I truly do want you to be happy. I want our kids to have every opportunity, and the time to know both of us. Eventually, we'll both find the niche we never created together. I apologize for recently creating complication as I do care for you. I know we're making the correct choice. I'll be more gentle with you, will listen more, will do these things because I admire you for the determined (stubborn?) and smart woman that you are... Good night. Kiss the girls for me.


Anonymous said...

I think you have an opportunity to find a happiness some never have. Love isnt measured by its ability to hold on, but by its ability to hold and release at the same time. The greatest love is one that sets us free. As a reader I thank you for reminding me about the fragility of love. You are such an amazing writer. Your friend (ex husband sounds yucky) seems to hear you.

Anonymous said...

oh gosh I didnt mean that your ex husband "sounds yucky", I meant that using the term "ex husband" is yucky. The "father of my children" is nicer. It puts more potential out there in the universe.

Julie said...

OK, Jane, if both you and P. are going to make me cry, I may just have to stop reading this blog!

(You know I'll never stop, right? This blog is like crack. In a good way.)

Jane said...

You realize, of course, that P. is also Teh Ex? And that he made me cry, too. It happens. :)

Anonymous said...

um yes it was a bit obvious..."kiss the girls" bit kind of a give away.

Plus the fact he starts taking responsibility for his side after the take ages to realise they are part of the marriage thing. Men divorce before the actual divorce.

But its the women who heal up and move on. The men lag behind never resolving their issues. Karma. its a bugger but ha ha men we have the kids and periods....they need something to suffer too.