Saturday, March 07, 2009


Something come up recently and I'm blogging on a side project for a while... sorry for the absence.

Monday, March 02, 2009

Giving in

In the spirit of giving, tonight, I am giving in. Making a confession, one that I've avoided making for a while.

Internet, I am lonely.

Since the divorce - well, since the separation, really - I've dated* a few different guys, but none of them suit, for various reasons. Not smart enough, drinks too much, emotionally unavailable...

And while it's been fun to hang out with these guys, behaving like irresponsible teenagers, this last one has really hit home the truth that I've been avoiding for the last... well, for a really long time now.

I give in. I'm lonely. I miss being *someone* to someone. I miss being half of a whole. I miss mattering to someone.

That's all.

*I'm not really sure that's the right word. There have been very few actual "dates" involved. I have no idea what to call what I've been doing.

Sunday, March 01, 2009

Giving up

So, this month's NaBloPoMo blogging theme is "giving." And yes, while I know I've completely abandoned my blog lately in favor of Facebook (damn you, Facebook!), it appealed to me for some reason. I have no idea if I'll actually go for an entire month, but at the same time, I wanted to give it a try.

Today's thought? Giving up.

Not only because giving up is what I would like to do at least 70% of the time. No, I'm referring to giving up in the sense of sacrifice. It seems to me that the biggest part of parenting has to do with giving up - whether you are sacrificing your time, your body, your sanity, your ability to change a tampon with the door shut, your free time, your personal life, your career... being a parent is all about giving things up.

Most of the time* I do these things gladly. I've accepted that this is The Way Things Are. I have consciously put the needs of my girls ahead of my own. The key word there is *consciously.* From what I read, or hear, or see, it seems that many parents out there do this naturally - they automatically subjugate their own wants and needs to those of their progeny like it's biological or something. But I? I can't do that. This parenting shit doesn't come naturally to me. I have to work at it. I have to consciously remind myself - their needs are more important right now. They need to spend a few hours of quality time with their mother more than I need to go see a movie. They need to sit down at the dinner table as a family more than I need to catch the Friday after-work happy hour. They need a bedtime story more than I need to watch The Office.

I give up. I give up a lot. I do it early, and often. I try not to be a martyr about it. Most days, I succeed. But every now and then, when I see all the shiny happy people my age, running around the Universe, selfish as can be, I get a little bitter. I give up so much - they don't have to give up anything. They seem so happy, so free, so fulfilled... I'm none of those things. And I have to remind myself - consciously, again - that I have *people* who love me. Who depend on me. Whose worlds would literally cease to exist without me.

It helps, a little.

*Well, at least some of the time...

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Imaginary Mail

Dear Boy-that-I-like:

What the hell is your problem? Seriously? Why is it that you have to live so far away? What's so freaking great about New York, anyway? You can *so* get all that shit in Chicago.

You know, nobody asked you to come to that stupid party*. I didn't particularly need to meet someone that night. It's not *my* fault we were the only two single people there, or that we happened to hit it off. It's not like I meant for it to happen...

But you know, it's not only my fault. Plenty of this is your fault. You're smart. You're funny. You have a successful career. You're financially responsible. You're reasonably mature. You have a crooked smile that crinkles up your eyes. No self-respecting girl is immune to that shit.

So, there you have it. You made me like you. And now that I like you, you decide to be emotionally unavailable? I recognize the fact that you're enjoying your extended "adolescence," this easy time of no responsibility, easy money, and good times. And you have a right to it - you've gone through some shit in your day. You deserve a chance to relax and enjoy yourself.

But you should not have led me on like this. Knowing, as you know, that I've just come out of a long, difficult relationship, that I'm in an emotionally vulnerable place right now, that I like you - you could have just as easily passed, said "no thanks." You could have moved on, not called, not texted, not emailed. You didn't have to engage in this...flirtation. But you did. And in doing so, you let me feel false hope. Hope that you might like me. Hope that we might be more than just good friends who sleep together. Hope that this might lead... I have no idea where. It didn't particularly matter.

So now, now that we've entered this murky gray area, I have no idea how to proceed. I'm not used to indifference. It drives me crazy. I don't handle it very well. I can understand that I'm scary. I have kids. I have a past. I live in another time zone. All very good reasons to brush me off. But you didn't, haven't, yet, and I'm in fucking limbo over here.

Please. I am begging you. Just do something, already. Show some interest. Ditch me. At this point, I don't even care which. Anything to end this pointless stagnation. I am trying so hard to hold my ground here, not to push, not to pursue, but my willpower is slipping. I'm so tempted to call you, to email you. I won't be able to hold off much longer... Please don't make me make an ass of myself. Ditch me now and save me the trouble of caring. At this point, I'd rather escape with my self-respect intact than find romance right now.

Although, for all your shortcomings, you really are a great guy... call me?


*Except for the person who invited you, of course.

Monday, January 26, 2009


At dinner tonight, the Bear announced that she wanted to get married. I told that she could, if she wanted to, when she got older, but that she didn't have to if she didn't want to.

She said "you can either marry a boy or a girl." That's right, I told her, it's completely up to you. "I want to marry a girl," she said. That's fine by me, I told her. We talked about how, sometimes, people who are married don't make each other very happy, and then they don't always stay married. She said "I'm going to make my girl happy. All the time. I'm going to try so hard."

I didn't know how to tell her that sometimes, trying so hard still isn't enough.

In other news, I need to work on making sure that my happiness comes from me, not from the people around me. I've been falling into the trap lately, and I need out.

Sunday, January 25, 2009


STBE-Husband dropped the girls off tonight, and as we were sitting at the table, talking computers or something, I looked over at him and realized how much I miss him sometimes. I was just talking this afternoon with a divorced friend about the feelings of loneliness that you get, and how much you can miss the day-to-day intimacy of living with someone else. Sitting there, I got a little rush of sadness, of longing for the days when we could sit together, talk together. He has gray hairs. I love them. They're none of my concern anymore. I couldn't help wishing that things had gone differently, that we had worked through our problems, that there was still hope for us.

And then, of course, as I'm trying to get the girls to stop sobbing, it comes out that they didn't take a bath the entire weekend that they were there. And that now, at half an hour past bedtime, on a school night, I'm going to have to stick them both in the tub and get them clean, thus pushing bedtime back another half hour, which, if you're going to bring the kids home late, the least you could do would be to give them a bath first. Duh. And just like that, my moment of weakness was gone, and I remembered all the things that drove me crazy about him in the first place.

It's better this way. He is a most infuriating man. But that doesn't lessen my desire to run my fingers through his hair like I used to.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


Please know that the aforementioned Ugh has nothing to do with the events of today* and everything to do with my mental state.

Internet, I have man troubles.

Like I mentioned before, I met this guy, and we've been talking, and, well...

I have a crush on him. A bona fide, 13-year-old, blushing, giggling, stammering crush.

I am nearly 30. I am Too Old For This Shit. I am a mother, for godsakes. I have daughters of my own, who all too soon will come home laughing and/or crying over crushes of their own. I have no business having a crush on anyone. I feel like an idiot.

I've been working with myself, forcing myself to slow down, to wait, to hold back, to *not* get excited. It's no use.

The world is full of rainbows and unicorns. Dammit.


Sunday, January 18, 2009


I was awakened at 4:19 am this morning by the following text message:

Him: Actually. I'm in love with you. So to Hell with It

I should interrupt at this point to say that the Him in question is the guy who I was dating over the summer/early fall - the first post-separation relationship. Lasted about three months. I broke it off because I saw absolutely no future in it. He, ah, didn't feel the same way, apparently. We've stayed in touch and are, I thought, good friends, although when we hung out over the holidays I detected awkward overtones. I was not wrong.

Me: Are you drunk?

Him: You can say that.

Me: Sorry, that probably wasn't the most tactful response, but it's 4 am, Saturday night, you're feeling confessional...

Him: No. I love you.

Me: So what prompted this?

Him: Not cause tonight. (Which I interpreted to mean, it's not just because I'm drunk tonight that I'm saying this.).

Me: How about this? Why don't you text me when you wake up in the morning, and we can talk about it then?

Needless to say, how was I supposed to go back to sleep after that? I was very careful to not lead him in that direction when we were together. I knew there was no future to be had there, and I didn't want to lead him on unnecessarily. I don't really know how this happened. As promised, he texted back in the morning:

Him: Life is short and I stick by what I said. I love you. Ditch me if you have to.

Me: Dude, I don't know what to say...

Him: I know you have nothing going on that way. I'm just struck. You're beautiful, smart, and fun! I don't want to fuck up but I might have. That was not a statement to text.

It goes on, but that's the gist. I was very careful not to do or say anything that might make him emotionally attached, it didn't work, he declares he's in love with me, which I sort of saw coming after a few comments he made over the holidays, I don't reciprocate those feelings, now what? I'd like to remain friends, but I don't want to make him uncomfortable, either, by my continued non-reciprocation of the feelings. All of this is made more complicated by the fact that I've been talking to this new guy. And... he's intriguing. And... I like him. And... I don't know if he likes me or not, but we talk every day, pretty much. And so, my emotions are leaning toward this guy*, but this other guy's emotions are obviously attached to me...

God, it's a mess. I have no idea what to make of it. I'm trying to be tactful and non-hurtful, because I can imagine what it must be like to tell someone you love them and know that there's no chance they feel the same way about you, while at the same time attempting to play it cool toward this other guy, because a single mom with two kids can easily cross the line from "cool chick" to "desperate cougar" in just a few steps.**


*Not in an I-love-you way, because let's just back right up there for a minute. But in an I'm-interested-in-you way, definitely. In an I'd-like-to-know-you-better way.

**And yes, I realize that at 28 I'm too old to be a chick and way too young to be a cougar, but there's no handy terminology for people in my particular situation, you know?

Monday, January 12, 2009

Sunshine and puppies

Seriously, though, this has just been the best day. The kids are *angelic,* dinnertime and bedtime were a breeze, nobody is crying, nobody yelled... I felt the need to somehow document that it has been, overall, a great day.

Monday, January 05, 2009


I've been having a bit of a dry spell with the blogging lately. I was out of town, visiting, and didn't take my laptop, but that's not the only thing.

I keep wanting to update with this and that, random stuff, etc. and find myself not doing it because I know that Soon-To-Be-Ex-Husband still reads my blog. And truly, I know that I shouldn't care what he thinks, and I don't, not really, but there are things I just don't feel comfortable sharing in front of him. Things I think he'd disapprove of. Things I think he'd store in his memory and somehow try to use against me in the future, for some as-yet-undetermined nefarious purpose. Not that he would do that - too much effort involved.

Here's something I can share, completely (mostly) harmless: my children are not sleeping. They have decided that bedtime is when all of their anxieties and fears and sense of loss and bewilderment, not to mention their healthy natural sense of stubborn, will manifest themselves.

The Tank* will primarily lay in her bed and cry for daddy. She wants him, she misses him, she loves him, she wants to see him, she wants to go to his house, what day is it, what day can she go, etc. etc. etc. ad nauseum ad infinitum.

The Bear, slightly older and more sophisticated, becomes anxious. Am I going to leave the house while she's asleep? Where will I be? What will I be doing? When will I be going to bed? What if she can't hear me? Lately I have to pinky-swear to her that I will not leave the house. Not that I have ever left the house while she's asleep. You can't do that. I wouldn't do that.

We've made charts - every night that they go directly to bed without an unholy fuss, they get a sticker. Ten stickers gets you a treat. Only works maybe one night out of five.

I would love to just lock them in there and let them scream it out, but that seems impractical. Reasoning is out, for all the obvious reasons. Bribery has no effect. My parenting arsenal is depleted. Thoughts?

*Who has christened herself Rerun, by the way. Totally hilarious. Perfect nickname for her. And she always uses it in the third person - Rerun is wearing a blue shirt, Rerun is hungry, etc. I love it. I will admit, I encourage it.