Saturday, March 07, 2009
Hiatus
Something come up recently and I'm blogging on a side project for a while... sorry for the absence.
Monday, March 02, 2009
Giving in
In the spirit of giving, tonight, I am giving in. Making a confession, one that I've avoided making for a while.
Internet, I am lonely.
Since the divorce - well, since the separation, really - I've dated* a few different guys, but none of them suit, for various reasons. Not smart enough, drinks too much, emotionally unavailable...
And while it's been fun to hang out with these guys, behaving like irresponsible teenagers, this last one has really hit home the truth that I've been avoiding for the last... well, for a really long time now.
I give in. I'm lonely. I miss being *someone* to someone. I miss being half of a whole. I miss mattering to someone.
That's all.
*I'm not really sure that's the right word. There have been very few actual "dates" involved. I have no idea what to call what I've been doing.
Internet, I am lonely.
Since the divorce - well, since the separation, really - I've dated* a few different guys, but none of them suit, for various reasons. Not smart enough, drinks too much, emotionally unavailable...
And while it's been fun to hang out with these guys, behaving like irresponsible teenagers, this last one has really hit home the truth that I've been avoiding for the last... well, for a really long time now.
I give in. I'm lonely. I miss being *someone* to someone. I miss being half of a whole. I miss mattering to someone.
That's all.
*I'm not really sure that's the right word. There have been very few actual "dates" involved. I have no idea what to call what I've been doing.
Sunday, March 01, 2009
Giving up
So, this month's NaBloPoMo blogging theme is "giving." And yes, while I know I've completely abandoned my blog lately in favor of Facebook (damn you, Facebook!), it appealed to me for some reason. I have no idea if I'll actually go for an entire month, but at the same time, I wanted to give it a try.
Today's thought? Giving up.
Not only because giving up is what I would like to do at least 70% of the time. No, I'm referring to giving up in the sense of sacrifice. It seems to me that the biggest part of parenting has to do with giving up - whether you are sacrificing your time, your body, your sanity, your ability to change a tampon with the door shut, your free time, your personal life, your career... being a parent is all about giving things up.
Most of the time* I do these things gladly. I've accepted that this is The Way Things Are. I have consciously put the needs of my girls ahead of my own. The key word there is *consciously.* From what I read, or hear, or see, it seems that many parents out there do this naturally - they automatically subjugate their own wants and needs to those of their progeny like it's biological or something. But I? I can't do that. This parenting shit doesn't come naturally to me. I have to work at it. I have to consciously remind myself - their needs are more important right now. They need to spend a few hours of quality time with their mother more than I need to go see a movie. They need to sit down at the dinner table as a family more than I need to catch the Friday after-work happy hour. They need a bedtime story more than I need to watch The Office.
I give up. I give up a lot. I do it early, and often. I try not to be a martyr about it. Most days, I succeed. But every now and then, when I see all the shiny happy people my age, running around the Universe, selfish as can be, I get a little bitter. I give up so much - they don't have to give up anything. They seem so happy, so free, so fulfilled... I'm none of those things. And I have to remind myself - consciously, again - that I have *people* who love me. Who depend on me. Whose worlds would literally cease to exist without me.
It helps, a little.
*Well, at least some of the time...
Today's thought? Giving up.
Not only because giving up is what I would like to do at least 70% of the time. No, I'm referring to giving up in the sense of sacrifice. It seems to me that the biggest part of parenting has to do with giving up - whether you are sacrificing your time, your body, your sanity, your ability to change a tampon with the door shut, your free time, your personal life, your career... being a parent is all about giving things up.
Most of the time* I do these things gladly. I've accepted that this is The Way Things Are. I have consciously put the needs of my girls ahead of my own. The key word there is *consciously.* From what I read, or hear, or see, it seems that many parents out there do this naturally - they automatically subjugate their own wants and needs to those of their progeny like it's biological or something. But I? I can't do that. This parenting shit doesn't come naturally to me. I have to work at it. I have to consciously remind myself - their needs are more important right now. They need to spend a few hours of quality time with their mother more than I need to go see a movie. They need to sit down at the dinner table as a family more than I need to catch the Friday after-work happy hour. They need a bedtime story more than I need to watch The Office.
I give up. I give up a lot. I do it early, and often. I try not to be a martyr about it. Most days, I succeed. But every now and then, when I see all the shiny happy people my age, running around the Universe, selfish as can be, I get a little bitter. I give up so much - they don't have to give up anything. They seem so happy, so free, so fulfilled... I'm none of those things. And I have to remind myself - consciously, again - that I have *people* who love me. Who depend on me. Whose worlds would literally cease to exist without me.
It helps, a little.
*Well, at least some of the time...
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