Sunday, July 29, 2007

The restaurant at the end of the Universe

I think we've officially reached the end, the point where no matter what happens, things won't - can't - ever be the same again.

Husband came to visit for the Bear's third birthday this weekend, and within twelve hours he had brought up divorce. I've turned into someone that even my own husband, my only link to sanity, can't love.

I don't even recognize myself when I look in the mirror, or when I look inside. I'm a stranger in my own life.

It's come to the point where I don't know what to do. I can only think of one way out, and it's not the way I want to take. Still, I can't think of anything else. I don't know how to fix this.

A start:

I'm going on a diet. Because, seriously. Damn.

I'm going to take my meds every day, all of them.

I'm going to be completely truthful about how I feel and what I think. All the time. No more covering things up or hiding.

I am going to think myself well. I spent a weekend with a family friend who is dying of cancer just last week, and she was absolutely convinced that your mind has control over your body. I mean, she woke up every morning and told her body that it did not have cancer, that it was not sick. I'm going to borrow a page from her book, and tell myself every day that I *am* a happy person, that I *do* have a good life, and that I should celebrate my life as it is, instead of bemoaning the fact that it's not what I want.

It can't get any worse than this. It can only get better, or end. And I'm not ready for the end to come yet. I want to feel things. I want to live, like people do. I don't know if things will get better, but I know I have to try.

4 comments:

Ninotchka said...

::::hugs::::

I find it so hard not to speak in cliches at times like this but things WILL get better. You're on your way. Just keep your eye on the prize. You have so much to live for. I can think of TWO magnificent little people that would tell you the same thing if they could. :)

julie said...

I hope you are not thinking of yourself as unlovable. You aren't. Husband, I'm guessing, is looking for a way out just like you are. You're both under a tremendous amount of pressure.

Whatever happens, you are loved. Hell, I barely know you and I love you (um, in an appropriate friend kind of way). ::Clears throat to fill awkward silence::

Anyway. Hang in there. I am praying for you.

Psychomom said...

One day at a time, you can do it. You can.

Anonymous said...

I have you on my "favourites list" so when I have five minutes in my day I can read up what happening in your corner and its nice to know I am not alone. I also am going through the same thing. I have good days and bad. My husband couldn't care less let alone know I need support. It's lonely and it's my own lesson and I know once mastered I will not have to learn it again.