Vacation

Hey kids - I'm going to be gone for a few days. I will write an entry every day while I'm gone and post-date them when I get back. I know it's technically against the rules, but they're pretty strict in the mental hospital. What's a girl to do?

Stay tuned.

100 things about Jane

It's November now, and I'm going to try to post every day. Just to see if I can. Call it what you will...

This is my 100th post here, and so, in honor of Julie, I'm going to attempt 100 things about Jane. Here goes nothing.

1. My name is not Jane.
2. It is, however, part of the name of one of my family members.
3. I am twenty-six.
4. I look about eighteen.
5. I frequently lie about my age to make myself sound older.
6. I'm sure, when I'm 30, that will change.
7. I always wanted to be older than I was.
8. I still do.
9. I have two daughters.
10. They are 18 months apart.
11. We didn't plan it that way.
12. In fact, we never wanted children at all.
13. The Bear was a total accident.
14. I was on the pill when she was conceived.
15. It was two weeks before our wedding.
16. We found out I was pregnant two weeks after the wedding.
17. I was devastated.
18. I wanted to have an abortion.
19. Husband wouldn't let me.
20. I'm glad I didn't.
21. My pregnancy with the Bear was one of the worst times of my life.
22. I hated being pregnant.
23. I was suffered from major depression the entire time.
24. I had a natural birth with both of my daughters.
25. After the Bear was born, things seemed to get a little better.
26. In fact, they were better enough that when Husband suggested we try for another one, I agreed with him.
27. We tried for three cycles and got pregnant on the third.
28. That pregnancy lasted 7 weeks, 2 days.
29. The Bear was 6 1/2 months old when I lost the baby.
30. Looking back, I'm kind of relieved.
31. I still get the strongest feeling that the baby was a boy.
32. I named him Scott.
33. I've never told anyone that.
34. Mouse was born one year and 11 days after that miscarriage.
35. We didn't plan her conception, either.
36. We were actually *not* trying to get pregnant at the time.
37. I was more excited about this one, though.
38. I was convinced I was going to lose her, too.
39. She was actually a twin.
40. We lost her twin around 8 weeks.
41. I was, again, kind of relieved.
42. Husband and I are freakishly fertile.
43. He had a vasectomy at 27.
44. We are *never* doing this again.
45. Instead, we got a cat.
46. We can't get the damn thing to pee in the litter box.
47. It's driving me up the damn wall.
48. That's ok, though - everything drives me up the wall.
49. That's because I'm crazy.
50. My therapist thinks I'm bipolar (II, not I), with a side helping of OCD.
51. My psychiatrist thinks I have major depressive disorder.
52. And also generalized anxiety disorder.
53. And some anger management issues.
54. I think my life just sucks.
55. And that makes me angry. And sad.
56. I alternate between sad and angry on a fairly regular basis.
57. When I'm sad, I can't do anything.
58. I don't shower.
59. I don't cook.
60. I don't do anything except sit on the couch.
61. When I'm angry, though, I yell.
62. I yell at my kids.
63. It used to make them cry.
64. Now, they just pat me on the back and say, "I love you, Mommy."
65. I yell at my husband.
66. He doesn't always take it well.
67. I don't mean to do it.
68. It's like I have no control over what I do.
69. That's kind of scary to me.
70. When I get in a "mood," I do things I wouldn't ordinarily do.
71. I'm not a very nice person to be around.
72. I've had problems with depression and mood since I hit puberty.
73. They come, and they go, and they always come back again.
74. I never told Husband about these problems before we got married.
75. I still regret that.
76. I was afraid he wouldn't want me.
77. I still worry that he'll leave me.
78. He was the most popular boy I knew in college.
79. I still can't believe he picked me over all of the other girls he knew.
80. I am an emotional eater.
81. I overeat when I'm sad.
82. I used to have an eating disorder.
83. At fifteen, I weighed 103 pounds.
84. I was 5'5".
85. Now, I weigh 140.
86. I feel fat every day.
87. I used to be a liar.
88. I thought it would make people like me.
89. It didn't.
90. Now, I find it easier to tell the truth, even when it's unpleasant.
91. It's probably because I don't give a shit about anything these days.
92. None of my friends or co-workers know I'm depressed.
93. I'm too worried about what they would think.
94. I can't go to the post office without a full face of makeup because I'm too worried about what people think.
95. I don't want them to think I'm ugly.
96. I'm not really sure why I care.
97. I've had the same hairstyle since I was 12.
98. I'm too scared to change it.
99. I'm too scared to do a lot of things.
100. I wish that I wasn't.

It's official

Hi. My name is Jane and I'm crazy.

Rope, frayed

Well, I've officially hit the end of my rope. In fact, I've passed it and now have nothing to cling to whatsoever. I'm still going through the motions, but I feel like at any moment I could decide that it's totally pointless and quit even bothering to play.

I can only think of a few moments in the past few weeks that have been possible compensation for all of this shit. When the Bear says, "You're a good mommy, Mommy," it's nice, and it makes me think that perhaps all the other crap is secondary. When Mouse lights up all over her face when I get home after work, it's ok. I like to see that.

But the rest of the time, I'm so frazzled by the mere thought of all the shit that needs doing that I can't even function. The house is filthy. Not just cluttered, but filthy. I would be ashamed for anyone to see it right now. The dishes haven't been done in days - we're all out of bottles and sippy cups. The sink is full, but the cabinets are empty. Money is t-i-g-h-t, and just the thought of that makes my chest constrict and my breathing difficult. Hello, panic attack. I've been so bogged down with meetings, etc. at work that I'm running on a class-by-class mode, just trying to make copies, get grading done, and stay one step ahead of disaster. I spend so much time sitting in meetings and pushing paper around, I hardly feel like I'm getting any teaching done. I hate that feeling - I love the hands-on work of education, but not the paper-pushing crap. I'm so behind in everything that I feel like I'll never catch up, and the levels of anxiety that's causing are really scary.

Most days I alternate between ultimate freak-out about all of the 943857345 things that have to be done and total apathy. I just don't care enough to do them. When the girls get in bed (finally) and I have my ONE HOUR out of the day to myself, I can't bring myself to do the dishes or pick up the toys or fold the laundry or sweep the floors or take out the trash or dust the furniture or throw away the piles of random junk that accumulate throughout the day in the house. So I sit for that precious hour and stare at the television, then go to bed too late, get up too early, never feel rested or refreshed, never see my husband, always feel cranky and anxious and grouchy, and would just generally like to take the world's longest vacation from all this shit. Tonight was the end of the rope. I'm not sure I can see the point in keeping all this up. Something here has got to give.

I'm ready for my Mother Of The Year award now

Things my children managed to accomplish while unattended this weekend:

1. Stripping naked and smearing self with vaseline (Bear)
2. Eating crayons - yes, more than one crayon! (Mouse)
3. Playing with plastic bags from the grocery (both)*
4. Using 52 baby wipes to "wipe my bottom" while allegedly taking a nap (Bear)
5. Sleeping through the night! (Mouse)

I rock this parenting gig. *Your* children should be so lucky.

*Shut up. It keeps them occupied while I unload the groceries.