Recently, I upped the dosage on my Vitamin P. At first, I couldn't tell any difference, which is pretty normal. Then, last night, as I was sitting on the couch, ignoring the wails of my children as Husband tried to convince them that bed is the only place worth being at midnight, I realized - no crying, no screaming, no swearing (from me - I can't say the same of them). I felt numb. Again, that's pretty typical of antidepressants. I can't cry, and even when I want to get angry, I can't.
But then, today, which will go down in history as the Shittiest Day of 2008 (So Far), I kept waiting for the shit to hit the fan, and it just didn't. If I were me (plain, normal, unmedicated me), I would be hiding in my closet right now. But I'm not. I'm okay. Sure, I can recognize the shit as it goes down. But it's not taking me down with it. A sampling:
kids who can't/don't/won't sleep
four inches of snow
32 ounces of spilled Diet Coke
missed meetings (well, I kind of skipped it, really)
sassy preteen girls
being told by a well-meaning student that my hair "looks tired"
flaming recession and tanking economy (we're a bit hard up, so it's worrisome)
sassy preteen boys
more material than time to teach it
spilled soup in my good school bag
tutoring for free, instead of getting paid (which I totally don't mind, but I need the $$$)
keys locked in car
two hours spent trying to get into said car
a -5 degree windchill
a flat tire (not mine, Husband's, but still $$ we don't have)
obnoxious non-house-rule-following SIL
And yet, it just rolls off my back. Yes, the shit is getting deep. And yet, I have kids who are learning things. I stayed on top of my grading today. I stayed organized. I taught a few people a few things. I got big kisses from small babies. I had a Cheesy Bean And Rice Burrito.* I lost another pound. And you know what? Getting all freaked out isn't going to do a damn thing for me. So, either I'm numb, or the meds are working. I can't tell, and I don't particularly care. I think that's a pretty telling sign in and of itself. I was able to enjoy my drive home - a perfect full moon rising over the frozen Lake, the moonbeams reflecting off the rippled ice and snow on the surface. Nice and peaceful. Content and fulfilling.
*Sweet merciful crap, I love those things.