Saturday, November 15, 2008

Quiet

If you were adequately able to imagine my delight at yesterday's fill-up, then you will easily be able to imagine my dismay when, eight hours later, I drove past the same gas station and the price had dropped to $2.36. Five whole cents a gallon cheaper! How dare they!

The kids are gone to their dad's house, and I have the apartment to myself for the weekend. I know I bitch and moan when they're here, but god, this place is so *quiet* with them gone. I do like it, a little bit, the freedom, the peace. I came home early this morning after crashing on a friend's couch last night. I had breakfast, did some reading, took a nap, did some more reading, ate dinner, did some more reading. I'm watching a movie now. Contemplating a bubble bath. It sounds ideal, but truly, I'm lonely.

I don't think it would be as bad if there was another adult around to hang out with, even if only in companionable silence. Someone to *see,* to know that someone was there, to feel the presence of another person...

My goal has always been to put the girls first, and my own needs second, until they're grown. But I'm honestly not sure I can tough out being this lonely for the next sixteen years.

3 comments:

Julie said...

Those gas station bastards are just trying to screw with us.

I feel awful saying this, because I understand where your loneliness is coming from, but that day you described sounds absolutely heavenly to me.

Anonymous said...

Your girls will not be inspired if their mum is lonely. You have to look after your needs as well. I discovered when I pulled back on being supermum and focused on myself a little that my child did not resent me and was not deprived in any way. Don't set yourself such high expectations and then punish yourself with them.

gojennings said...

You can put your girls first and still take care of your need for companionship. A happy, fulfilled mom is a good mom and an inspiration for her kids. No, you don't have to have a man to be fulfilled, but if you are lonely and want someone in your life, you shouldn't feel guilty. I saw my mom "put me first" and she never dated or remarried. I think she may regret that now that she's alone at 72. See how things turned out for her gave me the confidence after my divorce to learn to love and trust again, and I'm so glad I did. Best of luck to you, Jane.
(Oh, and I'm here from NaBloPoMo.)