Hot again

And then it's working again.

Tonight, the children are angels, my mother-in-law is a delight, and life is but a dream. It's great, but...

a little consistency would be nice, you know?

I lied

It doesn't work. Things suck, actually. Life is bleak.

We have no money. I have $6.06 in my bank account until payday on the thirty-first. I have no gas in my car. I'm open to suggestions as to how to get to work tomorrow.

I am a terrible parent. I poked a hole in one of my children and made both of them cry at various points in the evening. I certainly didn't mean to do any of those things, but they happened, and it was all my fault.

I ate macaroni and cheese. And a cheeseburger. And Nilla Wafers. And a Dr. Pepper.

I teach a bunch of little shits who say things like:

Last time we were on Mauritius...

I can find not a single ray of anything salvageable about this day. I am going to go dream myself into a cabana somewhere far away.

It's working

Recently, I upped the dosage on my Vitamin P. At first, I couldn't tell any difference, which is pretty normal. Then, last night, as I was sitting on the couch, ignoring the wails of my children as Husband tried to convince them that bed is the only place worth being at midnight, I realized - no crying, no screaming, no swearing (from me - I can't say the same of them). I felt numb. Again, that's pretty typical of antidepressants. I can't cry, and even when I want to get angry, I can't.

But then, today, which will go down in history as the Shittiest Day of 2008 (So Far), I kept waiting for the shit to hit the fan, and it just didn't. If I were me (plain, normal, unmedicated me), I would be hiding in my closet right now. But I'm not. I'm okay. Sure, I can recognize the shit as it goes down. But it's not taking me down with it. A sampling:

kids who can't/don't/won't sleep
four inches of snow
32 ounces of spilled Diet Coke
missed meetings (well, I kind of skipped it, really)
sassy preteen girls
being told by a well-meaning student that my hair "looks tired"
flaming recession and tanking economy (we're a bit hard up, so it's worrisome)
bills
sassy preteen boys
more material than time to teach it
spilled soup in my good school bag
tutoring for free, instead of getting paid (which I totally don't mind, but I need the $$$)
keys locked in car
two hours spent trying to get into said car
a -5 degree windchill
a flat tire (not mine, Husband's, but still $$ we don't have)
obnoxious non-house-rule-following SIL

And yet, it just rolls off my back. Yes, the shit is getting deep. And yet, I have kids who are learning things. I stayed on top of my grading today. I stayed organized. I taught a few people a few things. I got big kisses from small babies. I had a Cheesy Bean And Rice Burrito.* I lost another pound. And you know what? Getting all freaked out isn't going to do a damn thing for me. So, either I'm numb, or the meds are working. I can't tell, and I don't particularly care. I think that's a pretty telling sign in and of itself. I was able to enjoy my drive home - a perfect full moon rising over the frozen Lake, the moonbeams reflecting off the rippled ice and snow on the surface. Nice and peaceful. Content and fulfilling.

*Sweet merciful crap, I love those things.

Irrelevant

So, sometimes I get the feeling that I'm just a warm body in the room. I'm there, a calm, reassuring adult presence, for the sake of propriety, but nobody is actually paying any attention to me.

At school, I sometimes feel like I might as well be preaching to the wind. At home, I'm not much more than a way to get things - I can open the fridge and reach things, but that's about it.

Whatever I have to say, whether it's how to pronounce something or to stop beating your sister, falls on deaf ears. Nobody gives the slightest sign that they've heard me - bad behavior continues unabated, mispronunciation doesn't change, rules go unheeded. I could probably make an announcement regarding the apocalypse and my kids and my students would just keep right on ignoring me.

I seriously wonder what would happen if I just took a day off. If I hired someone else to stand around and say "don't do that" at random intervals, would anyone even notice that I was miles away? I might just try that this weekend.

Warm fuzzies

Sometimes, when you can't get naked, it's the little things in life that make you happy. Like listening to your husband talk politics on the phone with your father while his dinner gets cold on the table; a companionable evening in the kitchen with your mother-in-law; a snow walk with your girls; giant squid; a footrub from Husband.

I'm content.