Day Two

Had a small anxiety attack this morning, triggered by being here. I was afraid they had lost my birth control pills, and I like to take them at the same time every morning. They lost my bag; it's not that far a stretch to imagine they'd lose my pills, too. I managed to control it through breathing and trying to block out the whining coming from the alcoholic behind me. I did break down and cry when I went to sit in my psychiatrist's office, mostly because I miss my husband.

He has really been supportive and caring (for the most part), since I got sick. He is changing his work schedule to be at home at night with the kids and me, which I've been angling for for years now. He is affectionate, too. We spent my last morning at home cuddling and snuggling in bed. He held me so close, and was so loving, I just wanted to stay in bed forever, never leaving, never even moving. I cry when I think about missing him - I really feel like we might be turning over a new leaf in our relationship. Getting married and having two kids in two years has really put a strain on our relationship. It would do the same to anyone, I assume. Some couples just manage to cope better than others, it seems. I had a breakdown instead.

They tell me I have obsessive compulsive tendencies. Not full-on OCD, just those personality traits that make you act that way. I feel those tendencies coming out more here. It seems like it's the environment here, or maybe the stress of being here, or the need to fit in with all the crazies. Whatever the reason, it's starting to make me twitch. When things happen that are out of my control, I get angry. In that respect, I think that my obsessive-compulsive tendencies are tied into my bipolar disorder. Those mood swings are linked to control - when I have total control, mood goes up. When I'm not in control, mood takes a nosedive. Or, conversely, maybe when my mood is up I'm better able to maintain control, and when it goes south I'm not as able to hold on to that control. I think the first scenario is the most likely, though. It just seems to click to me.

Mr. T thinks I'm pretty. Today in our goal-setting group we somehow got around to talking about my pervasive need to get approval from others. I always have to be perfectly made up, hair done, looking my best, even when I'm just going to the Wal-Mart or the post office. I spend hours getting ready to go to the vet or the grocery store - my need for approval is so strong that it hinders me from doing the things I really want to do sometimes.

Tonight I played volleyball for the first time since 8th grade. The last time I played volleyball, I sucked at it. I suck at all sports. I always have. I am uncoordinated, inhibited, and I have no depth perception. I'm scared to look dumb, and I'm scared to try for fear of failure. But here, who cares if I look stupid? Teams were made of fifty-year-old alcoholics, shaking so badly they couldn't even hit the ball, thirty-something men with anger management issues, and teenage girls with no self-esteem. I fit right in. I wasn't the worst person out there. I actually scored like seven points for my team. I tried. I joked. I had fun. I got hit in the face - twice. And I was able to laugh it off. I had a great time, playing in a volleyball game that looked more like a Saturday Night Live skit than a sporting event. I haven't had this much fun in years. That worries me. Is this how I really am? Is this me without depression? Is this how normal people feel? Or are the new meds making me manic?