It has been brought to my attention, recently, that nobody likes me. I'm not trying for a sympathy play here - oh, poor baby. Nobody likes me, everybody hates me, guess I'll go eat worms. That's not it at all. It's just a simple statement of the facts: nobody likes me. I have had this pointed out to me in a most kindly, detached, professional manner. People don't *get* me.
I think that I'm a hard person to like. I know that I'm a hard person to get to know and understand, and I think that the two are related. I've never been a popular girl, and I've never had many friends. There have been a few here and there, but I've never had very many.
I'm not really sure what it is about me that makes me so hard to like. Sometimes I feel really awkward, like I don't know what to say or how to act, and I think that's part of it. I'm uncomfortable around people a lot of the time, and I tend to try to fill in the silence with anything, which usually results in me sounding stupid.
Then, too, I'm an only child, and I think that being raised with only adults, not any other kids my own age around, was a big factor in my turning out like this. When I was little, I had lots of friends my age, but that's not the same as having siblings around to help socialize you.
I'm a very sarcastic person. I can't help it. I have been all my life - ever since I can remember. It's who I am. I am bitter and cynical and sarcastic and... dark. I just am. It's as natural to me as breathing. But not everyone likes that. And I can accept that, but I can't change who I am, any more than I can train myself to walk on my hands. So I'm not Miss Mary Sunshine, and I'm not a very happy person, and I don't know how to act like one. I tell dirty jokes - I think they're funny (I don't tell the ones that are in really bad taste, though). I curse like a drunken sailor - I have since fifth grade. I tend to overshare, usually to fill an awkward silence. I'm not very pretty, and I'm not into the trendy popular stuff that so many people are into.
I'm what we call in my business an "odd duck." And apparently it makes people uncomfortable. They don't like it. And they don't like me.
So, now comes the big decision. How do you move forward from something like this? Can I put up the walls that I need to, to keep people from seeing what they don't want to see? Am I strong enough to do that? I honestly don't know. Or should I move on, find a place where people can deal with people who are different than they are? Can I find a pond where odd ducks are welcomed? I haven't yet. Or, when you look at it, and realize that you've lived a life entirely without friends, a life where nobody has ever liked you for *you*, picked you first, wanted you most, thought you were great - can I really stomach another seventy years of this? It's not a very appealing prospect.