Saturday, May 17, 2008

Super, thanks for asking

How am I doing? The answer to that really depends on when you ask.

Some days, I think I'm doing great. I'm ready to make a positive change, ready to get the hell out of this situation, ready for all that clean break, clean slate bullshit that people in these situations love to spout. I'm creeping up there on 30, and I have no qualms about being a single mom. Husband and I are completely in agreement about this whole situation, it's very amicable, and it sounds like a really great solution all around.

But other days, when I'm feeling a little less optimistic, a little more realistic, I wonder. Who will update my iPod? Who will tell me if my shoes go with my outfit? How will we afford this on our budget? Will he really want to take the girls as often as he says? What if he uses this as an excuse to bail out completely? Am I still going to be okay with that? Why isn't he more upset that I'm leaving? Does he think that this is some sort of joke?

On a completely unrelated note, I've been playing with my meds, and it's just plain weird. I quit taking my mood stabilizers cold turkey around the first of the year, and I've been slowly tapering down on my antidepressants for over a month now, and I'm almost down to nothing at all. The particular medication I was taking has some nasty withdrawal side effects, and by tapering I've been able to lessen them, although they're still annoying. Cold turkey on this med is just about impossible. Still, I'm almost there, and hopefully the annoying side effects will be gone soon. I'm not sure where I go from here. I'm less enthused about the typical meds pushed by the Big Pharmaceutical companies than I used to be. I've been researching alternative ways to treat Teh Crazy. But then I find myself going from Perfectly Serene to Screaming Obscenities in less than five minutes, and I realize that I probably do need some kind of psychoactive medication to keep me from flying off the handle if I want to have any hope of raising normal children. So, that's another issue on the table, and it needs dealing with just as urgently as the other one. Still, guess which one keeps me up at night?

So, end of the school year, students crazy, work hectic, me unmedicated, trying to find a place to move to and a way to pay for it on a budget, not to mention trying to work through the details of a separation while maintaining as much normalcy as possible for the kids' sakes. It's not easy, but it's not boring, either...

2 comments:

Ninotchka said...

:::hugs:::

Julie said...

I echo ninotchka's sentiment.