Math

Cute skirt that hides tummy bulge: $28

Slinky black shirt to match cute skirt: $16

100 sheets of computer paper, 50 envelopes, and 58 stamps*: $35.62

Two boxes of fine quality resume paper for job fair: $16

Gas for 12 round trips to the city for job fairs and interviews: $97

Bandaids for blisters acquired through an unfortunate choice of footwear at the job fair: $6

Three month supply of anxiety medication: $30**

Four copies of both undergrad and grad school transcripts: $10

Bottle of Tums: $3


Gainful employment in my new home town: Priceless, to the tune of $241.62.


*8 went through the washer
**God bless my HMO

Going to the candidates' debate!

So I'm watching the democratic debate this evening, and I've been thinking over where exactly I stand on the various issues. How would I answer those questions, when faced with the piercing blue eyes of Wolf Blitzer? And so it came to me: in an effort to find the candidate who aligns most closely with my own personal politics, I'm going to write about a different issue each week, then try to figure out which candidate falls nearest to my position. This week? Teh Gays!

Tonight, Wolf asked: what about civil unions? Gay marriage? What should we do?

IMHO, a civil marriage ceremony* - the kind you get at City Hall, or in Las Vegas - should be the prerogative of every American citizen. Any two people desiring to get married, whether of different faiths, different races, or same sexes, should be allowed to sign a paper before a judge committing to sharing lives and financial resources (and everything in between). Why?

Because, as everyone knows, the judge says, to legalize the marriage, "by the power vested in me by the STATE..., I now pronounce you legally married" or some such formula. The point is, the power to form this union is granted to the State, not to the Church(es). The State does not have the opportunity to discriminate in housing, employment, health care, etc. on ANY basis. Why should they have the power to discriminate in this area?

But. If you want to get married in a church (temple, mosque, synagogue, pagoda, etc.) by a representative of a particular faith (any faith), then it's perfectly fine to expect you to meet the requirements of that institution, whatever they are. For example, a rabbi wouldn't marry a Jew to a non-Jew (usually). A priest wouldn't marry two women. That's fine by me. That's totally within their rights as a private, voluntary organization. They can decide who they marry, who they take as members, what they require of their members. Totally kosher.

So - married at City Hall? Anyone - gay or straight - should be allowed in. Married in a house of worship? You have to do what they say. And the candidate who seems to fall most closely in line with that (for the moment)? Former Alaska Senator Mike Gravel. Will he ever get nominated? Hell no. But for this particular issue, he's my guy.


*I'm equating this with the term "civil union" here, since technically that's what hetero couples at City Hall get, too. "Union" is the domain of the State. "Marriage" is the domain of the Church(es).

Scene

Girl One: Gee, sis, I'm totally digging your vocal music practice. That whole off-key nasal fake-falsetto thing is really working for you.

Girl Two: Oh, my God!! It's, like, I know! I totally want to be a Broadway star. I rock.

Girl One: Yes, yes you do. A very sedimentary rock, if I do say so.

Girl Two: Huh?

Girl One: Hey, do you know what I love best?

Girl Two: My totally rockin' rendition of seriously creepy Jesus-love songs?

Girl One: Yes! Those! Especially when you sing them when my two daughters are Trying to Freaking Sleep! Bitchin'.

Girl Two: ::stares blankly::

Girl One: ::eyeballs explode::

Dear Mr. Cooper

Anderson:

Seriously, dude, what's up with the premature grey hair? Is it a ploy to make people think you're older and wiser than you really are?

Not to mention the two last names. Couldn't your mother come up with a decent first name for you? Poor baby.

On a more serious note, great show last night. Not. Thanks but no thanks for your misleading headline. I'm so glad that you, in your supposed position of authority, with your crap-ass TV show, and your fan club and your thousands of viewers, have taken the time to reflect on your position, and have decided to use it for evil rather than good. You do know that there are people out there who take you seriously, right? Who take what you say without a grain of salt, in much the same way they take the Bible? Thanks for leading them to believe that:

a) Chicago has a problem with school violence, and
2) there's no violence in Chicago outside the school-age set.

Way to put your own twisted spin on the issue and mislead the people. Way to negate the importance of other people's deaths. You rock. Here's hoping that the American people realize just what an asshat you are before you do something even more stupid.

Thanks a bunch!

Sincerely,
Jane

Surgeon General's Warning

Warning:

If you are experiencing severe aches and pains in your joints and muscles, creepy-crawly skin, killer headache, and general fatigue and nausea, you probably have a virus of some sort. Do Not, Under Any Circumstances:

expect anyone to help you
ask anyone to cut you some slack
try to get any other family members to take any responsibility for your children
think you can take it even remotely easy
expect your husband to feel sorry for you
assume your SIL will get off of either the telephone or her fat ass to grab the children when they're in danger.

Do, however:

feel excessively sorry for yourself
bitch about it to the Internet at large.