I don't understand why I'm so damn unhappy. This anger is unhealthy. I can't enjoy my life. I'm too busy being angry/frustrated/upset/irritated.
My head is full of words of wisdom. I *know* that this negative energy is killing my marriage, stifling my children, chafing my students, and poisoning my soul. But I can't seem to let go of it, no matter how hard I try. It's like the dieting. I know that I'm overweight. I know how to lose that weight. But try as I might, I can't make myself step away from the food. It's like an addiction for me. So is the anger.
I don't think I know how to be happy anymore. If I'm being objective, I can say that I'm happy with my kids, but when I'm with them, they suck the life right out of me. If I'm being delusional, I can say that I'm happy with my husband, but all I have right now are the memories of happy times with him. I just want to be alone. All the time. I don't want to see anyone, talk to anyone, be around anyone, think about anyone, nothing. I just want to be by myself. Not too much to ask, but I can't seem to win there either.
Now I know why depressed people kill themselves. The thought of spending the next sixty years like this is absolutely unbearable.