Thursday, April 17, 2008

Desperate

I don't understand why I'm so damn unhappy. This anger is unhealthy. I can't enjoy my life. I'm too busy being angry/frustrated/upset/irritated.

My head is full of words of wisdom. I *know* that this negative energy is killing my marriage, stifling my children, chafing my students, and poisoning my soul. But I can't seem to let go of it, no matter how hard I try. It's like the dieting. I know that I'm overweight. I know how to lose that weight. But try as I might, I can't make myself step away from the food. It's like an addiction for me. So is the anger.

I don't think I know how to be happy anymore. If I'm being objective, I can say that I'm happy with my kids, but when I'm with them, they suck the life right out of me. If I'm being delusional, I can say that I'm happy with my husband, but all I have right now are the memories of happy times with him. I just want to be alone. All the time. I don't want to see anyone, talk to anyone, be around anyone, think about anyone, nothing. I just want to be by myself. Not too much to ask, but I can't seem to win there either.

Now I know why depressed people kill themselves. The thought of spending the next sixty years like this is absolutely unbearable.

6 comments:

Ninotchka said...

Are you talking to someone (a professional) on a regular basis? I wish I could give you my two favorite therapists. Both had such different angles but both were so incredibly effective in helping me sort [a lot of different] things out. I totally get what you're saying. It's stuff you know but somehow it helps when someone is helping you carry (and examine) the load.

Sending you lots of love & support!

CJ said...

I know that desire to be alone--in spite of love (real or imagined) for husband and child. And I often wonder why the simple tasks of everyday life are somehow infinitely more complicated in my own household. Sorry to see you feeling the bottom of the swing today. I'd love to give you a little push, let you feel the wind in your hair again. Wish I could send something more tangible than my thoughts to pick you up.

Students at my school participated in an effort to raise awareness for depression this past week through the organization "To Write Love on Her Arms"--the idea is to write love (with a sharpie marker) on your own arms and the arms of others to remind everyone that they are loved and they are not alone. Imagine that my sharpie is a bold purple and the letters are neat little blocks, making a line down your left arm.

Julie said...

You're scaring me a little. Do you have someone you can call if you're really feeling like giving up?

I know I'm not close by, but I'll give you my phone number, if you want it.

Jane said...

Ladies, thank you for being so kind and caring. It means a great deal to me. CJ, the visualization there is great - it actually helped!

Anonymous said...

I would be lost without reading your posts. i check them every day its like catching up with a best friend. I don't find meeting people easy infact I am a semi recluse on a personal social note but get out and meet people professionally. Your thoughts are what makes me feel less alone. I feel like I have someone to relate to.

CJ said...

I wonder, too, how much things might improve for you once you have expressed them here--expelled a little of the demons inside so that you don't have to carry them with you all the time. (As a writer and an English teacher this makes complete sense to me.)

And, while I hope you do have some kind of support outside of this space, I am happy to be part of any kind of support that you receive here. I think you have helped many of us, too.