Hi. It's me. I'm tired. I'm always tired.
I can't tell if it's normal mom-tired, or if it's more than that. I have no frame of reference for this. I am always tired. If I get eight hours of sleep, I wake up feeling groggy and drowsy, and definitely not rested. I fall asleep while driving at least three times a week. If I sit still for longer than about ten minutes, I will fall asleep. I don't have the energy to shower some days. I could cheerfully go to bed at eight every night, and still probably wake up tired. I drag. I yawn. My head is fuzzy. It's not just a physical tired, it's also a mental tired. I drag my ass around behind me in a sling every day. Remember when your first kid was new and colicky and you never got any sleep, ever, but were still trying to work full-time and commute and figure out what to do with the new small person in your house who screamed for hours on end every night? Newborn tired? I am newborn tired. Trouble is, my newborn will be two in a few months.
I also get headaches. I've always had headaches. All my life, since middle school or so, I have always gotten headaches. In a normal week, I'd say I have a headache 3-5 days out of 7. That's normal to me. It doesn't faze me. That's just the way my body is - I'm used to it by now. Lots of times, they're tension headaches, down there in the back of the skull, right at the top of the neck. Other times, they're in my eyes - I have horrible eyesight, and sometimes when my prescription needs updating, I get headaches. Occasionally, I get migraines. When I don't have caffeine by amout 10 am, I get a headache. Too much red wine? Headache.
This all seems very nornal to me. It's just a part of who I am, what my life is like. Husband, on the other hand, thinks that it's all part of something larger. He's convinced that I'm sick with something. Who knows what - something that gives you headaches and makes you tired. And he's tired, too - tired of listening to me complain, tired of me not feeling good, tired of putting up with me when I'm like this. It's gotten to the point that I don't like to even let him know what I'm feeling - I'm afraid if he thinks I'm sick too much, he'll leave me for someone with more energy, someone who feels great all the time.
This post has no point except for me to voice my worry that Husband is going to leave me because he's tired of me being sick and tired. And I don't know that he would do that - but I don't know that he wouldn't.* It's only up here because I have to post something every day, and that's what's on my mind right now. I wish I felt better - I wish I had the energy to care.
*Wow, is that ever a post for another day.